I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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