I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
