Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
