everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
