if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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