it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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