I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
