ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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