Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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