i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
