just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
