shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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