i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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