I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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