He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
