There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
