So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
