it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
