3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
