God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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