I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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