I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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