Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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