Plan B is the new Plan A
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
