I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
