So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
