so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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