If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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