I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
