so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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