guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
