so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
