So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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