no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
