I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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