It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
