ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
