I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
