If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
