i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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