OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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