i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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