This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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