At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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