Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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