Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You're like the curious george of whores
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
