fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
