Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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