I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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