just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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