you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
