I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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