I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
