seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
