Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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