The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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