Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
