im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I believe in your delicious
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
