I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
