I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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