You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I FOUND THE LEGS
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
