A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize