I cockslap morals
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
