i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
