My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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