Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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