based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
