need another drink. this is the easiest way
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
