did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just cut my nipple shaving
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
