someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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