Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
