Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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