I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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